"A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated. Second, she wanted her ashes scattered over the local shopping mall.
'Why the shopping mall?' asked the rabbi.
'Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.'
This article was originally published in Brooklyn.
I met my Jewish friend, Laurel, when she came to a meeting at our local Insight Meditation Center on the San Francisco Peninsula where we now live. We got on right away. We both like Broadway shows, opera, reading, writing, and good meals seasoned with great conversation. We're both from New York and we're about the same age. So we come from the same time and the same place.
Now New York moms get a bad rap, especially Jewish moms - but none of us gets off free. Laurel reminded me of that one day with a stereotypical New York joke at the expense of mothers. These jokes usually illustrate moms making caustic remarks or their attempts to foster guilt in adult children. While we do use regional idioms and have a distinct style of delivery, I'm really not sure that mothers from our time and place had the corner on either caustic commentary or the laying on of guilt.
Like all of us, my mother was very much in process and very much a product of her place and time. Among other things, what that means is that modesty was a primary concern. For my staunch Catholic mother this included modest dress, which in turn included girdles. Now I've got to tell you that until I hit forty I was mostly underweight. In fact at Christmas when I was nineteen, I was ninety-three pounds, stood 5' 3 1/2", and was three months pregnant with my son. Nonetheless, from seventh grade and until her death when I was forty-four, my mother was adamant that I should wear a girdle so that I wouldn't "jiggle." That would be immodest and unseemly. Only my mother, I would think, would put me through this torture for nothing. As my husband said, "What's to jiggle? If she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue she'd look like a zipper."
Those old, typically New York jokes at the expense of our mothers were funny because there's an element of truth in them. They did pave the pathways to their homes and hearts with guilt. They could be cruelly caustic. They were as tough as life. They tended to be rigid and narrow on some subjects; their lives woefully circumscribed. Often they were unworldly and painfully unread. But they were also largely present.
They were idealistic. They worked hard. Many of them worked for hours each week to make the most unbelievably complex old world dinners for traditional Sundays that included religious services and family gatherings. No matter how difficult things got, they did not resort to drugs, alcohol, or beatings. They got us into the best schools they could afford and kept us in school for as long as they could afford to do so. They protected us from young men who did not have "honorable" intentions. Though they'd never admit to us that they were really pleased with us, they would proudly show photographs of us to all their friends and boast of our accomplishments.
In the parlance of the sixties, it took me years to understand where they were "coming from." You can tell by the posture in the photo, that well into my thirties, I was still struggling with mixed feelings. The reason in this particular case (in addition to exhaustion): Before I left for work, I left money on the kitchen table for a pizza. I called home at 5:00 p.m. as I was leaving the office and asked Mom if she'd order the pizza right away because I was "starving." I got home and "binged": I ate one slice of pizza and left the crust. "I thought you were hungry," Mom said. "I was. Now I'm stuffed." The fact that I was in my thirties and still "eating like a bird" and underweight disturbed her. In turn, I was disturbed because she was still trying to tell me how to eat, which given my habits was a legitimate concern. I do the same sorts of things to my son now, not about food, but about other things. My Mom is long gone now, but often I think of her and wish she was here nagging me to clean my plate.