If Time Is Infinite…

I don’t really feel like I get to rest that much, let alone have a day of rest. And hearing that coming from a jobless seventeen year old that only has school three days a week, that must seem silly and untrue. But it isn’t.

I was lacking inspiration as to what to write today for this, and asked my mother for advice. Their response? What was it like having a day of rest today? But the thing is, I didn’t have a day of rest today. I was doing things, working on projects, trying to get stuff done. And sure, I don’t have a job, but I was actively doing things that I am not required to do at the moment if at all, and making progress on long-term projects and factors of life. I did a load of laundry, worked on my book, wrote this, worked on the concept I’m designing for an organization I’m a part of, and worked on designing a class I’m teaching and a hand out for it, and probably more I’m not thinking about at the moment.

And I wish I could’ve done more! On a personal level, I wish I could’ve seen my girlfriend – we try and make an effort to see each other at least every Friday – and on the other side of things, I needed to get blood drawn today, but never got around to it because I missed my ride out of the house – me and my mother aren’t always the best at effectively communicating, planning, and remembering things – and wasn’t extremely fond of the idea of busing somewhere I’ve never been before and don’t even know what it looks like. And this is a pretty adept description of my life always. I’m always doing something, need to be working on something, should be planning something, designing something. Like I really need to get around to writing the letter that I need to send if I want it to arrive by Valentine’s Day.

When I was talking with my mother about Sabbath, about a day of rest, my mother brought up a friend of theirs. Their friend, on Sabbath, will not do anything that causes other people to work, or themself to work. I don’t have the time in my life to do that. And probably, I suppose, I could organize my time better so that I had a day like that. But as it is, I’m not doing all of the things that I’d like to be doing and/or need to be doing, so if I had a free day, I’d offer up that time in an instant to either furthering my interests, seeing people I care about, or doing greater projects, like what I’m designing for the organization I’m a part of, or getting a job. Working. I’m not against a job, it just seems like I’m already doing so much, just none of it pays or furthers my life to the rest of the world in any way. That’d be grand.

It’s weird, because the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve shoved into my schedule. Do this play, take these extra classes, learn how to spin, how to belly dance, speak at this event, write for this blog, offer my knowledge and my ideas and my life towards things that inspire me.

And last year, as I was graduating high school, the perspective of my life interests sort of hit me and conflicted with the actuality of life. So theatre which is something I love to do? I don’t do. I don’t have the time. Other things that I love to do? I’m not doing. I’ve had to drop so many things that I wish I was doing, wish I still had the time and energy to do.

I think the worst part of my week is that I spend eleven hours a day, three days a week, doing something I don’t want to do, and have no interest in doing, which is infuriating when I already don’t have enough time to do all of the things I want to be doing. It makes me angry, and frustrated, and upset, and then, on top of all of these things I’m supposed to have a day of rest?

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Yeah. Right. That’s happening.

I don’t feel like I have the time to rest. To have a day of self-care. Which is a problem, but one I ignore because what else can I do?

When you want to do everything, how do you confine yourself to a day of rest? Especially when you feel like you’re wasting your time doing things that you aren’t interested in and aren’t furthering your life in any way?

How do you take a day of rest?

I don’t know. I can’t. I don’t. And every once and a while, because of it, I crash and burn. I cancel all of my outings with people because I just can’t people, I stay at home and mope for a while, and then I get told to do something, to work on this, to get up and out, to go and do this crazy huge list of projects I want to do or need to do.

So how do you take a day of rest when you don’t have the time?

it’s funny

time is infinite, as far as we understand

and yet

there’s never enough of it

always running around

we always need more

- Colin Jon d.

Darren Tunnicliff, March 2010, Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0) flickr
Darren Tunnicliff, March 2010, Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)
flickr

2 Comments

  • Colin, I am wondering and caught with this phrase: “When you want to do everything, how do you confine yourself to a day of rest?”

    And I wonder about the word confine vs. the word free. What if it is from a particular attitude towards rest? Maybe we need to understand what the kind of rest is that refreshes your body. For example, I could well understand that writing would be rest that completes you.

    Hmm. Thoughts!

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