I needed to sort out my thoughts and feelings about the first part of this story before coming back to it. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I am still living with some of the lies. I've debated how open and honest I want to be about all of this, because I want to seem that I still have it all together--mostly together anyway.
I do use a wheelchair around the house now because of a new diagnosis that has taken the spotlight--Chiari malformation. I get headaches that don't respond to Advil or Tylenol or any of the usual pain relievers. I get dizzy when I stand up, and I can fall if I don't grab onto something and hang on as quickly as possible. Needless to say, I try to stay seated as much as possible. The pressure in my head has affected my vision so that I can no longer wear the glasses I wore three months ago. I can't read books without them. There's a bunch of other symptoms that I have at various times, but these are the ones I live with every day.
I was told that I might not ever walk, I might have a learning disability. or be mentally challenged. The spina bifida and hydrocephalus aren't even my main disabilities. All those were lies.
I still believe that I can pursue my calling, though. That is not a lie. I'm not doomed to a life of second best or "what ifs."
If you feel trapped in a life that you didn't imagine yourself living, it's not too late. It's NEVER too late. You can change one thing about your life.
For instance, when my world fell apart, I went back to writing. I remembered the old me. Even though I wasn't the same person, I learned that I could pull some of the old pieces into the person I had become. Through my writing, I am making peace with the change and loss I have gone through, learning to reach out to others I would never meet, and using my voice my voice to speak for changes to make the world a better place; I'm starting to be the change I want to see in the world.
I liked my comfortable world, but I like speaking the truth and sometimes pissing people off even better. I'm not a people pleaser anymore, and feeling like I had to be was one of the biggest lies that living with a disability laid on me. I like speaking the truth and sometimes pissing people off. I hope you do too.